My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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