she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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