xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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