your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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