john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize