I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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so let's talk penis.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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