So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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