I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
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Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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