Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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