Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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