We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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