I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize