dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
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Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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