you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize