You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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