I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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