So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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