Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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