I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
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Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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