Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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