Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
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As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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