My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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