i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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