ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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