An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
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The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think your dad took our porno
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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