She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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