I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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