please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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