TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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