dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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