hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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