id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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