He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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