Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
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Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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