i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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