how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
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His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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