I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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