Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
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After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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