Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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