hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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