I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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