Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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