hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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