Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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