I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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