last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
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MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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