He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
God, I missed his penis.
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