this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
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It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize