found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
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I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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