We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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